Monday, May 20, 2013

Grab your jaegerbombs and a flag of your choice: Eurovision 2013 Roundup

Eurovision Song Contest (henceforth known as ESC) is one of my favourite events on the social calendar. For those of you who are not aware of this 3 day extravaganza, it's Europe's version of The Hunger Games. Countries send their tributes/popstars/victims, dolled up in their Sunday best, armed with some seriously catchy tunes (most of the time), to duke it out in an arena in order to be named Europe's ESC champion. Nothing dies, except for the contestant's dignity. As is customary, this year the competition took place in the previous winner's country; Malmo (pronounced 'malmuuurrrr'), Sweden.

There's 2 semi-finals in the lead up to the Grand Final. Let's skip the nonsense and get straight into the 'good' stuff. This post also features guest commentary from noted music critic and ESC expert* Chrissie A.

*NB: She is not a noted music critic nor an ESC expert (to my knowledge).

Actual footage of Chrissie and myself watching Eurovision.

 France- L'Enfer Et Moi

A: I'm a sucker for French pop music, so I love this. Flawless vocals and performance imo.

Finland- Marry Me

A: Finland, my brand of crazy. Don't miss the CONTROVERSIAL kiss at the end! *yawns*
C: What kind of hot mess is this? Finland, you'll be doing a walk of shame off this stage.

Spain- Constigo Hasta El Final (With You Until The End)

A: Nothing says Spain like bagpipes. Obligatory 'mi corazon' lyric etc. Boring! Bring back Las Ketchup.
C: Is the economic crisis that bad that they can't afford shoes for Eurovision?

Belgium- Love Kills
A: A dubstep breakdown brought to you by Sacha Baron Cohen's doppelganger.
A: Those backup dancers are killing me right now. They start off graceful and end up like Shrek.
Estonia- Et Uus Saaks Alguse
A: Don't adjust your computer screen, this performance starts out in black and white. I zoned out in this one so idk...

Belarus- Solayoh

A: The party don't start until Belarus walks out of a giant disco ball.
C: THIS is what I'm talking about people! The spirit of Eurovision. *sobs*

Malta- Tomorrow
A: Imagine Train mating with Jason Mraz. Also known as my worst nightmare *shudders*
C: Who the fuck is Jeremy?
A: He works in IT.
C: Did he sell Malta that ukelele?
A: ...

Russia- What If


Cascada- Glorious

A: UGH. I hate Cascada with the passion of a thousand burning fires. 
C: Did they just steal Sweden's winning song from last year? (Loreen- Euphoria)

Armenia- Lonely Planet

A: Here we go! Well done Armenia for not being the Steve Bradbury of Eurovsion for once.
A: Oh Jesus. You can tell they're Armenian just by looking at them.
C: They should be sponsored by Leah's Waxworks.
A: Double denim is all the rage in Yerevan
C: Guess what I'll be wearing on casual Friday.
A: Less money on the pyrotechnics, more on waxing appointments Armenia!
C: John Goodman on keyboards here.
I loved him in 'The Big Lebowski'

A: There was a significant lack of apricots in that performance. Poor form guys!

The Netherlands- Birds

A: It's all doom and gloom here.
C: Why is Precious at Eurovision?

Romania- It's My Life

C: I am so ready for this.
A: This is AMAZING! Quality entertainment! It's like Dracula went to Arq.
C: I have no words for this.
A: I love everything this performance chooses to be.

United Kingdom- Believe in Me

A: Oh no, Bonnie. This is not working for me. At all. Yikes.

Sweden- You

A: Wrong Robin, Sweden. Good song but then again, it's Sweden. If they mess up a good pop song, they get kicked out of the EU.
C: He looks a little on the, ahem, feminine side. #justsayin

Hungary- Kedvesem (Zoohacker Remix) 

A: Hungry Hipsters of Hungary
C: Bitch stole my look.
A: I don't know what he's saying, but I'm just happily bopping along to it.

Denmark- Only Teardrops

A: Denmark is shoe-less but they have pan pipes, so really, it's swings and roundabouts.

Iceland- Eg A Lif
C: Thor makes a special appearance at Eurovision
A: Thor meets Englebert Humperdinck meets Tim Minchin. World's worst threesome.

Azerbaijan- Hold Me

A: ATTENTION! Azerbaijan has a man in a box! I repeat, A MAN IN A BOX! SEND SUPPLIES!

What is this even omg halp

Greece- Alcohol is Free

A: Did someone enter The Cat Empire mistakenly? 
C: Listen Greece, if Kanye West couldn't rock a skirt, neither can you.
A: Alcohol is free because your economy is shit and donkies are not a form of currency.
C:  I think that's my fruit shop man (*coughthisisMonasgagcough*)

Ukraine- Gravity

A: Ms Ukraine looks like Cheryl Cole.
C: I'd hit it and quit it tbh.
A: She has the diva arms down pat.

Italy- L'Essenziale

C: He looks like a fancy salesman. TAKE ALL MY MONEY!
A: Ooft. Italy. Yes please.
A: If there's no dubstep breakdown, I'm leaving, got that Italy?

Norway- I Feed You My Love

A: 'I Feed You My Love'. This is my type of song.
C: Norway's killing it right now but where's the big dress, dammit?!?!

Georgia- Waterfall

A: Ah Georgia. The Canada of Armenia.
C: Now THIS is a Disney song
A: It's no 'Especially For You', but it'll do.

Ireland- Only Love Survives

C: Where's Jedward?
A: I see Ireland have gone for 'credible' rather than 'Jedward'. And leather. So much leather. Like a bad bondage show.
C: The amount of spray tan used here is unfathomable

In summation,

This also happened.
Armenia, you herp derp.
Denmark won (it was those pan pipes, wasn't it?), Ireland lost, Romania and their queer dupstep vampire opera was robbed, the UK is still confused about this whole thing  and Australia is watching the whole thing from outside the window, like some sort of crazy stalker, plotting on how to get inside. IT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN GUISE, BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT.

Meanwhile, nothing will ever compare to Helena Paparizou.

See you in Copenhagen!


Annie A (and Chrissie A)

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