Monday, May 20, 2013

Grab your jaegerbombs and a flag of your choice: Eurovision 2013 Roundup

Eurovision Song Contest (henceforth known as ESC) is one of my favourite events on the social calendar. For those of you who are not aware of this 3 day extravaganza, it's Europe's version of The Hunger Games. Countries send their tributes/popstars/victims, dolled up in their Sunday best, armed with some seriously catchy tunes (most of the time), to duke it out in an arena in order to be named Europe's ESC champion. Nothing dies, except for the contestant's dignity. As is customary, this year the competition took place in the previous winner's country; Malmo (pronounced 'malmuuurrrr'), Sweden.

There's 2 semi-finals in the lead up to the Grand Final. Let's skip the nonsense and get straight into the 'good' stuff. This post also features guest commentary from noted music critic and ESC expert* Chrissie A.

*NB: She is not a noted music critic nor an ESC expert (to my knowledge).

Actual footage of Chrissie and myself watching Eurovision.

 France- L'Enfer Et Moi

A: I'm a sucker for French pop music, so I love this. Flawless vocals and performance imo.

Finland- Marry Me

A: Finland, my brand of crazy. Don't miss the CONTROVERSIAL kiss at the end! *yawns*
C: What kind of hot mess is this? Finland, you'll be doing a walk of shame off this stage.

Spain- Constigo Hasta El Final (With You Until The End)

A: Nothing says Spain like bagpipes. Obligatory 'mi corazon' lyric etc. Boring! Bring back Las Ketchup.
C: Is the economic crisis that bad that they can't afford shoes for Eurovision?

Belgium- Love Kills
A: A dubstep breakdown brought to you by Sacha Baron Cohen's doppelganger.
A: Those backup dancers are killing me right now. They start off graceful and end up like Shrek.
Estonia- Et Uus Saaks Alguse
A: Don't adjust your computer screen, this performance starts out in black and white. I zoned out in this one so idk...

Belarus- Solayoh

A: The party don't start until Belarus walks out of a giant disco ball.
C: THIS is what I'm talking about people! The spirit of Eurovision. *sobs*

Malta- Tomorrow
A: Imagine Train mating with Jason Mraz. Also known as my worst nightmare *shudders*
C: Who the fuck is Jeremy?
A: He works in IT.
C: Did he sell Malta that ukelele?
A: ...

Russia- What If


Cascada- Glorious

A: UGH. I hate Cascada with the passion of a thousand burning fires. 
C: Did they just steal Sweden's winning song from last year? (Loreen- Euphoria)

Armenia- Lonely Planet

A: Here we go! Well done Armenia for not being the Steve Bradbury of Eurovsion for once.
A: Oh Jesus. You can tell they're Armenian just by looking at them.
C: They should be sponsored by Leah's Waxworks.
A: Double denim is all the rage in Yerevan
C: Guess what I'll be wearing on casual Friday.
A: Less money on the pyrotechnics, more on waxing appointments Armenia!
C: John Goodman on keyboards here.
I loved him in 'The Big Lebowski'

A: There was a significant lack of apricots in that performance. Poor form guys!

The Netherlands- Birds

A: It's all doom and gloom here.
C: Why is Precious at Eurovision?

Romania- It's My Life

C: I am so ready for this.
A: This is AMAZING! Quality entertainment! It's like Dracula went to Arq.
C: I have no words for this.
A: I love everything this performance chooses to be.

United Kingdom- Believe in Me

A: Oh no, Bonnie. This is not working for me. At all. Yikes.

Sweden- You

A: Wrong Robin, Sweden. Good song but then again, it's Sweden. If they mess up a good pop song, they get kicked out of the EU.
C: He looks a little on the, ahem, feminine side. #justsayin

Hungary- Kedvesem (Zoohacker Remix) 

A: Hungry Hipsters of Hungary
C: Bitch stole my look.
A: I don't know what he's saying, but I'm just happily bopping along to it.

Denmark- Only Teardrops

A: Denmark is shoe-less but they have pan pipes, so really, it's swings and roundabouts.

Iceland- Eg A Lif
C: Thor makes a special appearance at Eurovision
A: Thor meets Englebert Humperdinck meets Tim Minchin. World's worst threesome.

Azerbaijan- Hold Me

A: ATTENTION! Azerbaijan has a man in a box! I repeat, A MAN IN A BOX! SEND SUPPLIES!

What is this even omg halp

Greece- Alcohol is Free

A: Did someone enter The Cat Empire mistakenly? 
C: Listen Greece, if Kanye West couldn't rock a skirt, neither can you.
A: Alcohol is free because your economy is shit and donkies are not a form of currency.
C:  I think that's my fruit shop man (*coughthisisMonasgagcough*)

Ukraine- Gravity

A: Ms Ukraine looks like Cheryl Cole.
C: I'd hit it and quit it tbh.
A: She has the diva arms down pat.

Italy- L'Essenziale

C: He looks like a fancy salesman. TAKE ALL MY MONEY!
A: Ooft. Italy. Yes please.
A: If there's no dubstep breakdown, I'm leaving, got that Italy?

Norway- I Feed You My Love

A: 'I Feed You My Love'. This is my type of song.
C: Norway's killing it right now but where's the big dress, dammit?!?!

Georgia- Waterfall

A: Ah Georgia. The Canada of Armenia.
C: Now THIS is a Disney song
A: It's no 'Especially For You', but it'll do.

Ireland- Only Love Survives

C: Where's Jedward?
A: I see Ireland have gone for 'credible' rather than 'Jedward'. And leather. So much leather. Like a bad bondage show.
C: The amount of spray tan used here is unfathomable

In summation,

This also happened.
Armenia, you herp derp.
Denmark won (it was those pan pipes, wasn't it?), Ireland lost, Romania and their queer dupstep vampire opera was robbed, the UK is still confused about this whole thing  and Australia is watching the whole thing from outside the window, like some sort of crazy stalker, plotting on how to get inside. IT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN GUISE, BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT.

Meanwhile, nothing will ever compare to Helena Paparizou.

See you in Copenhagen!


Annie A (and Chrissie A)

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

MET Gala 2013: Punk is dead

That's according to 90% of this year's attendees at the MET Costume Gala. The theme was 'Punk: Chaos to Couture' and sadly, very few actually wore anything remotely punkish. If this was any other formal event, some of these outfits would be amazing but it's a COSTUME THEME gala. Go crazy. Go nuts. Wear something different for a change. Does anyone listen to me? Negatory.

Having said that, there were some winners and inevitably, losers. Shall we? I've roped in my BFF and famed fashion photographer*, Kat, to provide some insights into this hot mess of an event.

*NB Kat is not a fashion photographer.

Pics are not my own, they're from ONTD and Google, idk...

BEST: Punk Couture Perfection
Rooney Mara 
This is more goth than punk, but she just pulls it off so well. Although, if she had come as Lisbeth that would have been even better.

Christina Ricci
Wednesday Adams looking flawless in this tartan number. It's punk! It's couture! It's a dress that suits her AND the theme! Everyone else, take notes.
Kat: Plaid is one of those patterns which often screams picnic rug, not in this case at all.

Sarah Jessica Parker
I would like to take the time now to personally thank SJP for making an effort every year and keeping things interesting. That headpiece was the fiercest thing I saw from this year's event. A faux-hawk. #dies
Kat: Embracing all things that are punk without going over the top

Anne Hathaway
YOUR HAIR ANNE. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR HAIR. This look is sexy and, what the French call, 'dangereuse'. Me likey.
Kat: Sheer perfection (Annie: lawl)

Florence Welch
Neo-punk from the goddess Flo. Here, she is demonstrating her 'come hither' face, right before she knees you in the groin.

Emma Watson
Miss Watson, you minx you! This is how you do sexy without slutty. yes, it's a lot of skin but it's approrpiate here- it's punk ffs. As usual though, she keeps it classy. Because that's just how she rolls.
Kat: Simple clean lines. Stunning.

My queen serving some Anjelica Huston realness. 

Kat: FAIL! You have shocked us in the past with your outfits, but remember modesty is the key. There is no need to have so much working at the same time!

Lilly Collins
Kat: Working those bushy brows to her advantage! With or without the studded jacket, Lilly has managed to successfully grasp the theme of night. (Annie: Gold star Lilly!)

Donatella Versace
Kat: Ohhh Donatella, a classic black punk couture look that is timeless for the ages.
Annie: The dark ages, when she was born *AGEIST ANNIE ALERT*

Honourable Mentions

Gwyneth Paltrow
Love Mrs Martin, and she looks good in this dress but pink is not punk.

She should have worn this number or something like it (and a bra)

Kat: NHFT. She looks like Emily Blunts' eye make-up from the evening.

Kylie Minogue
Aside from the fact that this is Kylie's first appearance at the MET Gala (get that American promo gurl!), she  did look stunning in Moschino BUT it wasn't punk. 

I would have picked this Chanel look for her to rawk

Sienna Miller ft Tom Sturridge
It must be opposites day because I actually like what Sienna's wearing here. As for the homeless man next to  her, we'll talk when he decides to cut his hair *le sigh*

Elizabeth Banks
Pantsless and proud.

The artist formerly known as JLo
Do cougars have spots? No? *scribbles out joke*
Kat: Ladies take note, this is how you werkk a dress. (Annie: see also werk, work and werq)

Elle Fanning
Kat: The colours in this dress are mesmerizing. 
Annie: She's staring into my soul or preparing to become the Swan Queen

Daisy Bevan (center)
Kat: The shoes remind me of the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland but it strangely works with this outfit.
Annie: Or those hard boiled lollies.

Kat: There is a lot happening in this lace and leather ensemble, but she makes sure that the dress is not wearing her. 
Annie: The lady next to her in the black dress and I are both admiring Eve's bravery for wearing strategically placed panels.

No. A thousand She looks like a tampon. Next.

MTE, guys. MTE. Tacky. House of Dere-no.
Kat: Just like the flame motif, the skirt, gloves and MATCHING boots need to be burned. Simplicity is the key.

Nicki Minaj
Bad posture. See kids, this is why you need to sit up straight.

Katy Perry
Not interested. I have nfi what this is. Thanks for playing Katy!
Kat: If the theme of the night was the Byzantine Era, Katy would have nailed it on the head. 

Kat: I’m calling it….Kim is suffering from pregnancy brain. 

Sky Ferreira
Kat: This is considered to be THE fashion event of the calendar, can you at least bring some class to your glittered slip
Annie: This was the best photo I could find. Sky is on the left btw. I think her 'petulant child playing dress-ups' look is very punk though.

F for Fail to Punk
Miley Cyrus
Kat: Two words…try hard. Also, word of warning don’t stick your fingers into the electrical socket next time.
Annie: I love it and I hate it simultaneously

Gisele Bundchen
Kat: Something is missing here…could it potentially be more fabric?
Annie: Nevermind the dress, the Skrillex esque hair and faux- rock chic hand gesture is filling me with rage. UGH.

 January Jones
Kat: If you are going to bedazzle your eyes, do it right.
Annie: She's in character for 'Mad Men 2035: Betty's revenge' in which Betty Draper is a cyborg.

And that's a wrap! Here, have some fabulous Anna Wintour to cap it all off.

Annie A (and Kat)